Human Beings in Bed (and sex)

This one’s been doing the rounds. It’s worth reposting here. Enjoy.

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to
make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an
average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did
not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up
your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would
hear us
9 times you said your mother would
hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the
activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a
crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and
get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you
I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move




I think you have things a little
confused. Here are the reasons you
didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried
to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to
play golf
2 times you were in a fight and
someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose
was running
2 times you had a splinter in your
20 times you lost the motion after
thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while
reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because
you missed and were screwing the

I wasn’t talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was, “Would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because
you farted and I was trying to breathe.

ahh, you women!


14 Responses to “Human Beings in Bed (and sex)”

  1. Jon Says:

    Nice one. 😀

  2. buzzback Says:


  3. Naughty Heather Says:

    Damn, if people would just relax! 🙂 They could be having as much fun as I am!

  4. Fluid Says:

    I think I have to second Naughty Heather’s notion .. well about the having a lot of fun part 🙂

  5. ggwfung Says:

    comment of the day goes to Naughty Heather. You can redeem your prize of one linkback and five (5) free comments from the nearest store. Offer expires in 25 seconds.

    Thanks for reading everyone!


  6. Naughty Heather Says:

    I NEVER win these things! 😉

  7. Justin V Says:

    That’s FUNNY.. LOL On my Back or Kneeling.. LMAO

  8. Naughty Heather Says:

    Is that a question about my preference??

    🙂 H

  9. Justin V Says:

    @ Heather,

    Heather, I’m a guy, it’s about Sex.. Do I really care about your preference..(just messing)


  10. Naughty Heather Says:

    If you want the sex to be good, or ever happen again, you will care about my preference SO very much.


  11. Allison Says:

    Fun- knee!

    Let me know if you want to exchange links.


  12. Tracey Says:

    My family every time say that I am wasting my time here at web, but I know I am getting know-how daily by reading
    such fastidious articles or reviews.

  13. Document Says:

    This is definitely appealing, You are a pretty professional blog writer. We’ve became a member of your current feed and check to within the hunt for further of one’s superb article. Also, We’ve shared your site around my social networking sites

  14. edward Says:

    i love sex hahaha

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