Archive for the ‘humans’ Category

Human Beings in Bed (and sex)

February 24, 2007

This one’s been doing the rounds. It’s worth reposting here. Enjoy.

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to
make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an
average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did
not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up
your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would
hear us
9 times you said your mother would
hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the
activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a
crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and
get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you
I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move




I think you have things a little
confused. Here are the reasons you
didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried
to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to
play golf
2 times you were in a fight and
someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose
was running
2 times you had a splinter in your
20 times you lost the motion after
thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while
reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because
you missed and were screwing the

I wasn’t talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was, “Would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because
you farted and I was trying to breathe.

ahh, you women!


A Broken Dream (the continuation of war)

February 18, 2007

The great hope of the post-1945 world was the end of war.

It hasn’t happened.

It is painfully obvious that divisions between countries, inside countries, between religious sects, and inside cultural and racial groups continue to inflame people to violence.

There is enough material wealth to go round. There is plenty of land to build on. Food can be traded. The things that make life worth living are not in the material realm.

Groups continue to be suspicious of each other. Pure power plays. There is more in common amongst human beings than there is difference. We all wish for a happy family life.

Let us all relate to each other as individuals, one to one, on a personal level. No division, just a strong, earnest conversation.

The common things should bind us.

The Real Difference Between Men and Women

February 5, 2007

{WARNING: humor ahead}

Through exhaustive studies on this blog, I have discovered the real difference between men and women.

Men like sport. Women don’t.

Women like gossip mags. Guys don’t.

A truly groundshattering discovery I know. But let’s get it out in the open, so there’s no confusion.

Men have a certain default, and that is doing. Preferably they would like to go out and thump someone in the head, but society being what it is, us guys can’t do that anymore. So we settle for the next best thing – watch someone else thump someone. And the bigger the guys the better. So NFL rules. And Ice Hockey too, where they take a big stick and whack people in the legs and chest. Pretty primitive, but that’s what guys like. Deep down.

And chicks, they like nothing better than to chat. To say how bent that girl’s nose is, or how big her bum juts out. Or her chin has a dimple like a crater. Or those ankles are really bony. It’s like guys bashing each other up, except chicks do it with words. Easier. Smarter. Less effort. Nothing like a good snipe or rumour to get chicks all excited. Makes life worth living, just like Who Weekly.

I think I deserve a Nobel.